S2:E6 - Hope is a Four Letter Word


Welcome to Season 2, Episode 6 of my blog "When Will The Music Stop". I so enjoy sharing my life and, on occasion my relevant past, with you and out loud. Hope and despair, laughter and tears, happiness and sadness, love and indifference, victories and defeats. We have all experienced these extremes and many others, many many times over. Sadly, I scan through a majority of these emotions daily. Prior to ALS I thought I would live to age 81. Why 81, I don't exactly know but it has to do with baseball. It made sense to me when I was 54, I was heading into the top of the 7th inning. It's downright creepy and wrong to know your expiration date, give or take a few months. Trust me, it is so much more peaceful not knowing. Through it all, I have one thing that keeps me positive and optimistic, and that is......

.....HOPE. A life without Hope is not a life lived in today, and today is all we have. Sometimes I have to settle for the willingness to be hopeful and that has to be good enough for that particular day. Hope happens to be a universal catchall. I hope tomorrow will be better than today, I hope I'm a better man tomorrow, I hope I have more compassion and empathy tomorrow, I hope tomorrow will be better for all my friends and family and I hope I will be less angry, more tolerate, etc. etc. etc. It's unfortunate, but I have little hope that anything will materialize in time to reverse my current trajectory. However, I consider myself extremely blessed, I am turning 58 relatively soon, I lived an incredible and interesting life, continue to receive love and export the love in my heart. I don't like to display a monochrome of self pity or poor me, not when there are kids getting murdered in schools and in their bedrooms, playing video games and get killed by a stray bullet. It sickens me, and it only happens in this country with heartbreaking frequency.

Having a great day

On with the show. A few exciting updates. The "ACT for ALS" bill we have been advocating for is scheduled for a vote on the House Floor this week. Onto our documentary, it's completed and we are scheduling a live audience and a virtual screening this month. More details to follow soon. Please see the trailer for THE LAST MARATHON documentary film, that a small and very talented contingent of filmmakers worked on with passion. The fact that they did this for us brings me to secrete salt filled water from my peepers. Final update is about our temporary exodus to Portugal. The new Covid strain has most definitely put forth complications, but unless Portugal closes the border, all 18 of us are hopping on jet airliners. Here are some things that I find incredible and in extreme gratitude. Mari has been working extremely hard to make sure that I am taken care of on so many fronts. There is the enjoyment component, she tracked down a wheelchair van, and found two sisters that have a company that specializes in tours for the disabled. Even though we have been there 7 times, we never looked at it through handicapped eyes. She also tracked down a chef to make us an authentic Portuguese Christmas dinner. Mari is a world champion researcher, and because I am sick, she got my DNR and Power of Attorney translated into Portuguese and certified over there, otherwise they wouldn't abide by my wishes. That is a fraction of her list of preparations to insure my well being and happiness. I love her so so so much. Thank you boo. That pretty much is a wrap on the updates.

The Beatles Let It Be Documentary

I failed to mention today's playlist. This past week I subscribed to Disney+ just so I could watch The Beatles  "Let It Be" documentary, and all three parts I have now watched twice. Even if you are not a Beatles fan but love music, there is no better documentary on the creative process of making music. So, in honor of my favorite group, I am listening to every Beatles album in order of release. It's absolutely beautiful how they evolved and every album is unique and re-inventive. 

Hope is not the end all, there are many other necessities to life, at least that's my opinion. But hope is likened to water, without it you'll surely die, metaphorically and literally. There are other components to complete the picture. It looks like this for me; love given and returned, compassion, empathy, grit, determination, commitment, honor, honesty, willingness, dreams, standing tall in the face of your fears, letting go of control, accepting of others as is, and the list is a living document and unique to everyone. I am not saying I do that list perfectly or even mediocre, but I do my best and try to get healthier with each passing day. But for now, hope is topping the charts in my life at this point in time. I can't just sit back and "hope" things will work themselves out, I need to be a part of the solution. I've always vacillated on every thing God, but I never doubted the saying "faith without works is dead". Being hope and faith are related, it's a no brainer that showing up for yourself is a key ingredient. I can't just sit my ass on the  couch and watch The Price Is Right and General Hospital and eat corn dogs and drink Zima beer. I know they stopped making it like 20 years ago but I believe they are still selling the remaining inventory.

Mari and I at Casa del Mar in Santa Monica

All I can see, do, hear, touch, taste and smell are a part of today and yesterday, and not the future. I am what I am, a decent guy, I was an exceptional producer, I am a dedicated family man, was a marathon runner and hiker and a 21 year sober person. Not half bad for a kid from South Farmingdale, Long Island. It's a minor victory if your little man inside tells you that you don't belong here, go in search for a better fit for Anthony, Tony, Anton. I have now lived in LA for 34 years, I moved here on September 16,  1988. I guess this is my home. For now! 

Doug, Anton, Kris (Mr. roast beef) and Georgie

When my ticket gets punched, I don't think I'll be afraid but I will regret time wasted and the hurt that my demise will cause to those I love most. Or not ;). Not a single one of us have not lost at least one person in our lives, perhaps I am being a little more than dramatic. I'll do better, promise. While I don't miss South Farmingdale, I do miss the city and its cast of characters. I loved when a job called for shooting in NY, I did for the first 7 days or so, but then I would burn out on the constant noise pollution. I prefer LA pollution when you can actually see and taste pollution. A great NY story. Many years ago, we were shooting in New York and went to a neighborhood deli for some sandwiches. Kris ordered roast beef and cheese hero with mustard and other toppings. The deli guy read back our orders and said mayo and not mustard for Kris and Kris proceeded to correct him. The deli guy said mayo goes with roast beef, and he would have to go elsewhere if he wanted mustard. Twenty years later I still laugh at that story. Writing this blog has put a little juice in my world today. I feel better and I hope you all got a little something from it.
Bald Eagle with Admiral Peacock

Me and the owner of Marla's Bunny Ranch

I saved the loving, happy heart news for now. This past week, not one, but two dear friends came for a visit. On Friday, my dear friend Trevor came all the way from Switzerland just to see me for a few hours. I kid you about the motivation for his trip but it was so incredible to spend a few hours with him and Diggs. Trevor is a super talented director I use to produce for, and a heck of a nice guy and fun gent. Another one of the loved people in Anton's bubble world, showed up Sunday afternoon, and I have not seen her in two years. Marla Marla Marla, possibly one half of the funniest two people on the planet. We had a riotous time on Sunday. Best part is she doesn't need anyone to play off, she does it all on her own. Love me some Trevor, Marla and Diggs.I believe I am done for the week. I love my life and I am not at all bitter for having ALS. I am sad because it is a very painful disease to deal with for me and my wife, kids, friends and family. But fear not, let's live it up and laugh and be grateful for all of life, the very good and the very great. Charlie Chaplin said it best in song 

Smile though your heart is aching, 
Smile even though it's breaking, 
Smile, what's the use of crying, 
if you just Smile.

...and remember - "make good days great days, no bad days allowed".

Peace out!!!

Anton 

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