S1:E18 - Odd Man Out

Charles Darwin vs. Sarah Palin

Charles Darwin or Sarah Palin, which person is correct? Do you believe in evolution or do you believe that all people stemmed from Adam & Eve and dinosaurs existed with mankind. If you believe Sarah's version I may have to have you whacked. Just kidding, kind of. That was just a fun icebreaker to what as I see as the real question for me. Is every thought, feeling, emotion, intelligence level and action pre-determined and our DNA doesn't allow for any derivatives? Has God, a Higher Power or our own DNA have a blueprint and any choices we think we make are already made for us? Remember the episode of Seinfeld where George does the exact opposite of every instinct he ever had? Did he really have free will or did an unknown force exist, whom already knew those decisions before they happened? Or is door # 2 correct? Do we have free will and our choices are unknown to any entity outside of our own DNA? Say I am a sedentary couch potato my whole life and one day I decide to start jogging and run a marathon, is it all my decision, partially my decision or was that decision made for me when I was born or even before that? I'll be damned if I know the answer and it doesn't keep me awake at night. I am just a curious guy by nature who enjoys those types of thoughts. For the record, I believe in science but I also hold some room in my head, heart and soul that a Higher Power may be holding a royal flush and has a hand in our lives.  Moving on, I've been holding off on this playlist and it is time to break it out. It is a Pink Floyd kinda blog.

Peaches & Cream vs. Shit Sandwich

I dug very deep the last two blogs and got plenty of relief as a result, thank you Universe. Putting pen to paper, or in this case, keyboard to 4K screen makes a world of difference. My entire being has achieved a greater level of calm and with that calm comes less anxiety and less fear. My thoughts are clearer and I'm better capable to stay in the day and plan a more flexible game plan for the future with a boatload of possible outcomes. I've learned that lesson the hard way. We all know life is sometimes peaches and cream and every day is a joyful spoonful. And we all know life is sometimes a shit sandwich and every day is just another bite. Being I am not a fan of bread I try my damnedest to turn the latter into the former and if I don't achieve peaches and cream I set my sights on a bowl of cherries. Regardless, writing this blog has helped me cope better with this God awful terminal fucking disease.

Jimmy Cagney in Angels with Dirty Faces - 1938

Growing up, I had a tight group of friends and we had fringe groups of friends as well. We had each others back at all times. However, that didn't shield me from bouts of aloneness and feelings of the odd man out. It's just the way my brain fired. I remember the first two books I read as a kid were "Alive", a true story about survival and resorting to cannabilism high in the Andes Mountain Range. The next book was a really bizarre choice, it was an autobiography of Anthony Quinn. Now that is weird, no? Maybe because I watched The Guns of Navarone with my dad like nine times. Incidentally, Quinn is not Greek, he's Irish Mexican, go figure. As an old kid and early teen, I would stay up very late watching Jimmy Cagney movies, James Bond movies, Abbot & Costello meet...., Marx Brothers movies and Elvis movies, all 31 of them. Looking back,, I remember me as that kid, but I sure don't recognize him now. Quick story.. I recall in college, my roommate and I dropped acid and we watched Scarface with Pacino and Angels With Dirty Faces with Cagney, Bogey and The Dead End Kids. After the movie my roommate said Cagney was the best bad guy ever and didn't use a single curse word. That was our exciting acid trip.

I am in a pretty okay space these days but my life gets very frustrating at times when you have to rely on others to do most everything for you. I do what I can to stay independent but that list is pretty damn short. It's especially hard on me when it its abundantly evident the person helping isn't exactly enjoying the experience. However, I am beyond grateful for them and putting myself in their shoes, I get it. It is a crappy hand for everyone, not just me. I have many hard decisions to make, some soon and some a bit later. Mari and I have decisions to make collectively as well. And it's not like we put things off, to the contrary, we have been pretty responsible. Early on when I was first showing mild symptoms, we got our family trust done, along with living wills, executors, DNR, POLST and other important grown up stuff. After my ALS diagnosis we updated everything to make sure that part of reality was an easier road to navigate for Mari after I take my final curtain call. So much more still lie ahead to get done.

First off, I am not done being a producer quite yet. I plan on producing my memorial and after party and all that entails. It may happen in a year, five years or longer. I don know, so as we production people do know, the job is produced in a proper prep, with contingency plans. All my former Production Managers, don't be surprised if you get an email from me in the not to distant future. After all, you are the ones that made us all look good. I have always told my followers that the blog is only as valuable as the depth of it's truth. I'll only hold back when it affects others in a negative way for I have no right to express my opinion if it potentially hurts another. Those hard calls on the forefront are financial, possible family relocation, college for the boys, where do I belong and what is the best decision for all my loved ones affected by my turn of bad luck. Let's look at a few of those.

1990 Vanagon Classic - doesn't include Bernie, Mookie or surf dudes

Rereading the last two sentences of the preceding paragraph, it dawns on me that financial is The Godfather and all the others are like Captains and soldiers belonging to the same family. Let's face it, Los Angeles is an expensive place to live and the cost of living is amongst the highest in the country, especially with a house and a family and a kid in college and another heading there relatively soon. Oh, and dare we forget a husband and stepfather with an expensive terminal illness. Can we pile  any more shit on? When I was producing life was hunky dory. We were able to save some money and also live a good life with vacations and educating the boys by exposing them to foreign lands and various cultures so they would be better equipped to be accepting, tolerant and not prejudiced to others' lives and customs. I am the poster child for living life today, in the now, cause none of us know what the future holds. But today is a new day and new reality where I adapt and thrive with all the grit I can muster, or the other option is let ALS have it's way, without fighting as long and as hard as I can, then fight some more. Thank God I am a fighter and a lover ;). For the past 18 months we've been primarily living on my disability and DGA pension and I'm grateful, but the reality is they are a small fraction compared to my producing days and we be operating in the red each month. We are cutting expenses all the time and Mari was a great sport when we sold the car she loved and now she drives our 2010 wheelchair van or the 2005 4-runner. We are selling the blue van above if anyone wants a classic. Bernie, Mookie and cool surf dudes not included. We finally cut cable and are thrilled with youtube.tv and moved our cell phone service to spectrum. We're saving a chunk of money and are really happy with both. We will take a fresh look this week at expenses and hopefully take a hatchet or scalpel to it, we'll see. I have been doing production budgets for 30 years so I'm pretty damn good at this task.If we decide to liquidate and move, we realize the options dwindle fast. No sense relocating unless we go where the cost of living is substantially less and we won't move to a ruby red state and we even have reservations about purple states. I don't want to resent and be unhappy with where I live. One other thing, I am auditioning the idea of moving to an assisted care facility to lessen the impact and toll it takes on my loved ones. We'll see, all options remain on the table for the present time.

Tomar, Portugal

Let me be even more honest, I want to move to Portugal as we have intended since 2013.We have so many friends there, some born and  raised in Portugal and a sizable contingent of expats from the US and the UK. The quality of life is incredible in the country of 10 million inhabitants. The clean air, the renewable energy, the ban on single use plastics, the healthcare, the rich history, the fresh seafood and produce is delicious, no preservatives and when you buy bread the expiration date is the following day. There is also a first class ALS clinic and non profit in Lisbon. Mari and I have house hunted for several years and we know the region we want to live. Now, wait for it, the best part is the cost of living is half the cost compared to life in Los Angeles. There are some legitimate roadblocks to realizing my dream scenario, like our younger son is still in high school and we are unsure if they'll deem an ALS person a burden to their healthcare system. The only unfulfilled item on my life's "to do" list is to buy my wife a small B&B in Portugal. And if you truly know my need for completion then you're aware it is front of mind on a daily basis. With that, I'll say goodbye for now and I will be back next Monday.

...and remember - "make good days great days, no bad days allowed".

Peace out!!!

Anton