S1:E16 - My Mother's Son
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| Merely a flesh wound - St. Joe's - 2015 early symptoms of ALS |
I stay out of other's business unless invited in. When it comes to issues that concern me, I take a side and commit to having a belief. It may be political, a social issue, a personal choice and I'm very proud that I have no qualms standing up for others no matter the consequences to me. It makes me be okay with me as my head hits the pillow at night. I try to learn from everything that transpired in a given day, what I did well and what could use improvement. And I don't beat myself up about it, that's cruel and a waste of energy. I try not to take myself too seriously, especially in times of crisis. And whatever bad behaviors or prejudices I learned in life I try my damnedest to unlearn (I stole that last line from Northern Exposure). I do none of the above perfectly, far from it, but I do my best. I am definitely not a Momma's Boy, my mom taught me to stand on my own, however I am definitely My Mother's Son.
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| Mom & Me - 1986 - Florida |
Lucille, Lou for short, towered over most everyone, all five feet of her. All turned to her for love, approval, to unburden, for the truth, for laughs, for compassion, for advice and for leadership. If Lou did it or approved of it, it was intrinsically seen as being the right thing. Sound familiar to anyone that knows me :):)?. HA!!! Mom and dad loved to tell me a story of when I was born and why I am a bit peculiar. Apparently the nurse took me out of the room to clean me up and put me in my xxxxx. When she brought me back in the room to bond with mom and pops, she banged my head incredibly hard into the doorframe. That was my welcome into the world. When I was a teenager, my parents told me they had my sister, then mom had four miscarriages, then me and another miscarriage after me. It's a coin flip on what haunts me more, the miscarriages and how I snuck through or the thought of my parents having sex that many times. My dad was a solid dude, a wonderful father but a bit of a wallflower. He was most comfortable having mom decide on where to go on vacation, what to do for socializing and pretty much all the stuff involved in daily living. To his credit he knew how to fix most everything and was content in life with coffee in one hand and TV remote in the other. A short story before I move on. As I talked about in an earlier blog, my sister and I were close but in our pre-teen days we had our share of fights. Now, mind you, my sister looked a lot like me and we both had features of our parents. During one such fight I told my sister I am done arguing because she wasn't my real sister and she was adopted. I told her I found her adoption paperwork in the Bible on my dad's rather tall hutch. I peppered my story with facts I made up, stuff like she was born in Minnesota and her given name was Kim and she would cry, then call my mom to ask if it was true and why wasn't she told. Mom calmed her, assured her it wasn't true and to stop listening to her idiot brother. My mom, dad and sister have all passed on but I consider that a great memory and it saddens me I have no one left to reminisce with.
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| L to R - Anton, Perry, Mark, Billy - 1982 - My bowling alley days |
My mom was general manager of Count Line Bowl and she owned a small piece. We spent a lot of time together there, days and nights. I began working there when I was 13 years old. In NY at that time (1977), the legal age of a minor to work was 13 and drinking age was 18. She worked 50 to 60 hours a week, took care of two children and a husband, played bingo, day trips to Atlantic City, trips to Vegas & Florida, cruises, ceramic making for a while and big 20 relative holidays. Pops juggled one ball at a time while Lucille had 18 in the air at any given moment. Unknowingly, she paved the way for my 30 year producing career, teaching me hard work, prioritizing, juggling, business protocols and doing it all with laughter and fun. She taught me when to be a leader and when to allow others the freedom to do the same. Most importantly, she taught me to stand up for and take a side in a dispute and when someone is mistreated. Mom's sister and her family had disowned their daughter at age 16 for a decision she made. It didn't matter if mom lost the relationship with her sister and family because she believed her niece (my cousin) made a choice that was right for her. That's only one example of her consistency of character. Side note - fifty years later, my cousin made the right decision and by proxy, so did my mom. Proud of both of them!
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| Max, Murph, Anton, Joe, Doug - Sigma Chi at the U |
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| Scott, Mari, Anton, Roman, Nancy - Nice recognition from LA City for my work at weSPARK |
In 1984 I was nominated and elected president (Consul) of my Fraternity Chapter at "The U". I'm not so sure my brothers saw refined leadership skills in me but probably more dedication and hard work ethic. It turned out well and I learned plenty from the opportunity. On September 16, 1988 I arrived in LA to be in "the business". A few days later I was the happiest man alive working on a cheeseball comedy with Tom Skerritt and Cindy Williams as a production assistant. I PA'ed one other film and then onto commercials. I rose through the ranks as a coordinator, then production manager and by 1991 I was producing. I produced for several years, but as my alcohol consumption increased, I went back to being a production manager so I could stay more in the shadows. The other choice of quitting drinking didn't cross my mind. I didn't start producing again until March 2001 when I got sober. Being a producer on a film set, juggling 18 balls at once, is the most comfortable place on his planet for me. It felt like a warm blanket in front of a fire. I miss all my crew and being the person that makes the engine fire on all cylinders. I would be remiss if I didn't give credit to the fabulous production teams in LA, throughout the country and abroad who made me look good. You all know I am talking about you. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for having a 30 year career and never felt like I worked a single day. In August of 2005 I was feeling crushed coming off a breakup and had to leave for a job in Washington D.C. in 10 days and I stupidly showed up for jury duty and got picked for a 6 day trial. The case was about AA, a Hawaii retreat, lesbians and sex between newcomers and sponsors. Right up my alley and I put myself up to be jury foreman and was chosen. I did feel I was most qualified for the task. I was successful swaying 5 jurors to the outcome I believed to be the correct one. Jumping ahead in time, in 2011 I joined the board of directors of weSPARK Cancer Support Center. I really loved it. A few years later we had a retreat with a non-profit expert, who's main goal was to help us function better as a board and as a non profit. On day two of the retreat, he posed a rhetorical question to us; "who is the only person who should become the board president"? You guessed it, a minute later he pointed his girly finger at me. I spent the next two years doing that role and I think we had a good share of forward movement and formed a more cohesive board and the board and staff worked hand in hand.
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| Mari & I experiencing a moment in time |
As I sit here today in a wheelchair, watching my muscles disappear, nearing full body paralysis, loss of speaking ability and many more issues, it is important for me to remember that people believed in me and counted on me to lead and/or get the job done. I was "that" guy. I still am it just has shifted to new bold adventures and will fight with every once of my energy to leave this place better than I found it. I live in a world of gratitude and now I rely on others to help me and lead me and get the job done for me. I am grateful for all who helped me in the past, the present and into the future. Most of all I am grateful for such a damn fine mom who made my world bigger and brighter and set a compass for me and showed me how to navigate by her example. I'll wrap it up with these two unexpected gems that arose while writing. I won't be put in a box and no one puts Anton in a corner. The average time of survival for ALS is two to five years. Moving forward they can stick it up their asses. I cancelled my subscription to that figure and decided to live as long as I damn well please. I should have been dead 20 years ago but I'm still here you bastards, just like Papillon. The other discovery concerns happiness. I like to and really need to smile and laugh and be genuinely happy, otherwise life gets dark and small and not helpful to my staying put here. I'm reminded happiness is an inside job and it is important that if those around me are not positive or optimistic or unable to contribute to joy, I can't let them affect me. I must respect their state of being and maybe utter a quiet little prayer.
I used to tell Mari that if we were on a plane and the pilot became incapacitated, I would want to take over the controls because I don't believe any one could do it better. Now, I am not even allowed to sit in an exit row. Nothing has changed, I'm still "that" guy in my heart and head but maybe it is time for a more appropriate analogy. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Anton ...and remember - "make good days great days, no bad days allowed".
Peace out!!!
Anton
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| My angels, friends & co-workers - "The Crew" |
You are amazing 🙏🌸💕
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