S1:E7: - Gene Hackman

Gene Hackman, The Royal Tenenbaums, 2001

Searching for the truth? Look no further than any movie starring Gene Hackman, the greatest actor of all time. The French Connection, Unforgiven, Crimson Tide, Hoosiers, The Royal Tenenbaums, The Firm and of course Lex Luther in Superman. I believe he is the character in every damn movie. Should I be basing what I perceive as the truth on a man pretending to be other people? The answer is a resounding NO and YES. C'mon, I love movies and love being entertained and I do learn from them. Sometimes I learn about filmmaking and other times about the subject matter. Circling back to my conflicting NO and YES answer and the fine line I am straddling. To be clear, I'm not psychotic, I know movies are make believe and told from the perspective of the director, writers and actors. However, there is a flip side for me and I'm guessing many others. Consciously, subconsciously or unconsciously, I spent a huge part of my life being anyone but me. I was always me at my core but being shy and insecure, I was often taking bits and pieces from other people. It may have been a bit of dialogue, gestures, a smirk, an attitude and on occasion a complete shift like Bruce Wayne is to Batman. I confess that sometimes I stole from real people and movie characters alike. I even went through a brief phase of wearing OP shorts in college and felt like a dork. And sometimes drinking to excess would be enough to make me taller, more handsome and a better dancer.  

I am so very happy that Mari had a chance to blog last week. It was revealing and she put it out there for all to read. If you haven't read it, please do so. Moving forward, it's the same old story; wearing running sleeves and my Bose aviators. I watched the movie "Blinded By The Light" a few days ago and intended to listen to Springsteen this week. The movie has his music and lyrics as the centerpiece.  Three songs into writing this weeks blog and I had to switch gears. Tonally, it wasn't the right fit with what I was writing. So, I am going with everything Clapton; solo, with Cream, Derek & The Dominos, Blind Faith and The Yardbirds. It is an amazing catalog of music, damn the man is so friggin talented.

On location, Arizona, Point Break, 2015

I do feel I was always a decent person inside. Once again, getting sober and maturing made me feel whole and I, for the first time, loved the entire me. I wasn't here to please others and if you didn't like me it was none of my business. Until I depart this lovely plane of existence, I plan to continue to grow, learn and become a better man each day. Well, that's my goal and I'll do my best. Never. Stop. Growing. Funny thing about Los Angeles is meeting people at parties or through acquaintances. The first question is always "What do you do for work?" Essentially, they are gauging how much time to spend with you based on your answer. I had fun with it and haven't answered that question for the past 15 years. The other question I had fun with is about running marathons. Rather than saying congratulations, people usually ask "What was your time"? I would only answer "I did well" and it would really annoy people. Only if you were a fellow marathoner I would tell you my finish time.

Shooting a Johnnie Walker commercial, Norway, 2007

ALS, ALS, ALS...I don't want the last years (hopefully) of my life to be defined by a three letter disease but it most likely will be. That's fine but it must be about much more. When I'm gone I would prefer people remember pre and post ALS, mostly pre. I am doing my best to stay relevant and be a force to anything and everything I'm involved with at present and future endeavors. Soon after my diagnosis, I read that most pALS die from exhaustion. Medically speaking, your lungs cease to function, but I now know for the first time the underlying factor is exhaustion. Every fucking week I get a humbling reminder. My speech gets worse weekly, as do use of my arms and inability to grasp objects, my legs (although they're still stellar looking to the eye), my swallowing, my breathing, my bladder and so on. It's overwhelming and tiring. I do my best to stay fit emotionally, mentally and spiritually, but even those positive parts takes its toll. It is a different existence for me today. I used to work 16 hour days on the other side of the world 10 time zones away. I would run or hike on those jobs and I was always the last man standing, never leaving my wingman (director) to fly solo. When back home, family was priority one after the adjustment period of integration. I briefly touched on cause of my ALS a few weeks back. Now that I have painted a complete picture, without proof, I believe that marathoning, work with travel and being present at home caused my ALS. If I had a do-over I would not change a single thing because my three loves in life are my family, work and running. In that order!

Backyard party, Mari, Gavin and Anton, 2015

As a day progresses, my speech diminishes, like clockwork. Last night, two of my closest mates, Nick & Mike came over for a visit and free Chinese food. I was kinda zoned out, completely congested and my speaking ability was next to non-existent. Thank God Mari was there to be my interpreter. The guys didn't give a shit about my condition, they were here to love on me and be friends who love me no matter what my condition may be. In a way, they are representative of friends far and wide who care about and love me through Zoom, texts, calls and emails consistently. Please don't stop, it keeps me strong and pushes me to continue to show up for myself. I am also motivated by the many whom I don't know that have made it their business to lend support in many ways. No doubt I'm in a funk, a shitty place of pain and heartache, I have learned that this too shall pass. Today, I miss scratching my own head, picking up my iPhone with ease and adjusting my own package. I was talking to my friend Perry many years ago and we both had high school dreams of not knowing where the classroom was because we hadn't been there all year. Today, I dream about being on a location scout and walking rapidly and telling the director, "not bad for someone with ALS". Reality really sucks sometimes. That's about it for me this week, I'm off to track down my mojo.

"It's okay to get knocked down but it's not okay to stay down". - Muhammad Ali

...and remember - "make good days great days, no bad days allowed".

Peace out!!!

Anton

Yamashiro's Restaurant, Los Angeles, Mother's Day, 2017